The Third Door

The Third Door

When I’m asked what I do I never quite know how people will react. Mostly people reply, ‘hmmm I should probably cut back’ or ‘I know I should stop but I just enjoy it too much’, sometimes they’ll say, “I definitley want to give up, I will, one day’ (I must add these are unsolicited but responses).

I have never met someone who says definitively ‘I want to stop drinking’, there is always a ‘but’.

 And it makes sense to me.

 The attachment is so deep that when we entertain the idea that maybe we should stop we either ignore it, rationalise, delay, or tell everyone we’d love to quit but we can’t. So, we carry on, year in, year out.  Sadly, research shows that from the time someone first considers quitting it takes on average ten years before they act, if they ever do.

I’m immersed in everything alcohol-related, from neuroscience to the personal transformation that often happens to people once it is removed, so it’s easy to forget that the majority are still extremely attached, as was I, six years ago.  Not drinking was anathema to me. No chance, never.

Like so many, I was still living in the hope of a third door.

The third door is this:

 ‘I want to be able to take it or leave it, and drink as much and as often as I want, without any negative consequences’

This hope is not surprising.  The world tells us we can have exactly what we want, if we spend the money and believe in the marketing spin.  Diet pills, lottery tickets, the latest designer bag or a stiff martini, all deliver a quick fix, for a small fee, and a slither of hope that it’s possible to solve our inner problems with outer solutions.

And despite all evidence that it won’t work we live on hope (and denial) for a long time, maybe ten years, or more.

But how long does the relief, reward or relaxation last? Ten hours, ten minutes? But we keep going back, just in case it will work...this time.

For grey area drinkers, those of us who struggle to moderate, the idea of the third door lures us back time and time again in the hope that this time it will be different. This time, we can handle it.  And underpinning this hope is the belief that alcohol adds some value to our lives and that without it life will be less exciting and more stressful.

 So, we continue to pay the price for the quick fix.  We waste money, time, and potential, forgetting that nothing we consume works long term.  The more times we test the theory, the more pain we put ourselves through.

Imagine, if you hadn’t drunk alcohol for the last ten years, how different your life might be now?

Imagine if you wait ten more years, how will your life look then?

The First Door

The first door is the one most people choose when it comes to alcohol.  It starts as fun, even seemingly harmless at first. But over time, the negative consequences pile up. Hangovers, regret, anxiety, poor decisions and low motivation follow. Potential slowly drains away and dreams fade into the background, but we make do, we cope, because we forget how we used to feel, and we forget that we have a choice. It’s hard to be at peace in the first door, but it seems better than door number two.

The Second Door

The Second Door is not drinking. At first you experience discomfort, anxiety and even depression. You experience all the feelings you’ve been avoiding for years.  And then you learn they won’t kill you.  In fact, once the decision is made and you do some work on yourself you begin to thrive, you learn to cope with life as it is, and with that comes extraordinary personal growth and self-respect. 

These are the only two options.

However, door number two is not a quick short-term fix, and because we’re so wired for instant gratification we can wonder, and hope, that somewhere along the line we will find, and easily walk through door number three.

My personal journey involved seeking the third door, numerous times. But in the end, I had to face the truth. The third door doesn’t exist for me, or, I suggest, for anyone.

Why The Third Door is an Illusion

To be blunt, negative consequences are inevitable if you consume any alcohol.  You are putting your health at risk, even if it’s just one or two. But if you’ve reached a point where you are regularly thinking about your drinking, setting rules, or negotiating with yourself then the truth is that the third door is just another marketing spin, it will cost you, and not just in dollars.

Here’s why grey area drinkers may want to consider door number two.

1.  The Brain Remembers

Alcohol affects your brain’s pleasure and reward system (driven by dopamine). If you’ve spent years reinforcing alcohol as a dopamine-releasing substance, your brain has adapted to that. And it doesn’t forget.

Even if you’ve been alcohol-free for months or even years, your first drink wakes up those old neural pathways. Your brain recognizes the substance, and those old thought patterns and cravings start to creep back in. It may be slow, and at first you may think, I can handle this. But, before long, you’re right back where you started.

2.  The Cycle of Rationalization

You might have a drink and nothing bad happens. You feel proud. But then, a few days later, the thought creeps in: Well, I did it last time, so I can do it again.

Slowly, the internal dialogue starts spinning again: When will I drink? How much can I have? Is it too soon? Will this be okay?

You’ve gone from freedom—where alcohol is a non-issue—back to entanglement, where it takes up mental space again. And once you start making decisions about drinking, you go back to negotiation, wasting valuable brain energy. You’re entangled one again.

3.  The “One is Never Enough” Reality

For many, one drink doesn’t remain just one drink for long. Maybe it starts as a glass of wine on a Friday. Then another the next weekend. Then a midweek drink. Before you know it, the old patterns have returned—because that’s how alcohol works for people who’ve struggled with it before.

You may not spiral overnight, but the slide happens subtly, almost imperceptibly—until you’re right back where you swore, you’d never be.

The Freedom of Closing the Door

What’s easier than trying to moderate? Not having to think about alcohol at all.

There is such peace in: I don’t drink. No inner debate. No mental gymnastics. No tallying up how many drinks you’ve had or justifying why this time is different.

Instead of wondering whether you can drink again, you begin to ask yourself: Why do I even want to?  What am I hoping to get from that drink that I don’t already have?

Because here’s the truth: Once you commit to learning how to enjoy your life without alcohol, all that wasted time and energy chanelled into preserving your habit is now freed up to heal, and then to design and create a life where alcohol has no part to play. You decide, once and for all, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze, because you have bigger fish to fry.

You can make this decision any time you like. You can make it now, or you can make it ‘someday’, maybe you’ll decide in ten years. 

Imagine how life will look if you wait ten years.

We must be honest.  We have two choices.

Door One: Keep drinking, accept this as our decision and deal with the consequences, knowing they will get worse.

Door Two: Surrender to the evidence that we can’t control an addictive substance and decide we’re going to take back control of our lives. And when we look back ten years from now, if we make it that far, we’re not saying, like I did ‘I wish I’d done this sooner’.

If You Find the Third Door, Let Me Know

 I’ve yet to meet someone who’s successfully walked through the Third Door and stayed there. I have, however, tried and failed and met many others who have done the same, only to find themselves back in the exhausting struggle.

If you ever do find that mythical Third Door where moderation works flawlessly and all the downsides of drinking magically disappear, let me know.

Until then, I’ll be here, enjoying the freedom of not having to wonder.

Love

Sarah